Will the tooth-fairy still visit even if I swallowed my tooth?

Does the Tooth Fairy still visit, even if you swallow your tooth?

The 5 year old son of my nephew (yes, that would be my great-nephew) lost his first tooth a couple of weeks ago.  He was eating an apple-for the express purpose of facilitating the expulsion of his loose tooth.   All that his parents found was a spot of blood on the apple–the tooth was never seen again!

When Nachshon (I have changed the name to protect his innocence) realized what at that time seemed like a tragedy, he said with a prayerful voice, “I really hope the tooth fairy will still visit-even if I swallowed my tooth.  I know I wasn’t supposed to swallow the tooth.  And now I can’t leave it for the tooth fairy because it was somewhere in my belly.  Maybe she will be angry and she won’t pay attention to how much, in my heart, I want her to come.”

Nachshon’s question riddled the best minds of our family all over the world (including me, here in the Holy land).  Would the tooth fairy come even though he swallowed his tooth?

Nachshon’s mommy was pretty sure the tooth fairy would come.  She assured him that no harm would come to him from accidentally swallowing his tooth.  “It will just come out when you go to the bathroom”, Mommy offered. “I sure hope it doesn’t come out of my penis!” Nachshon replied!  (There’s no moss growing on that kid, right?)

My great nephew’s question and his intense and very natural desire for the tooth fairy to come, felt similar to what is often the reality of my prayer life.  What if I don’t do it right?  And what if I’m so focused on doing it “right” that I can’t control my mind and my heart to focus on my relationship with God?  If I don’t pray the right way, at the right time, following the keva of our written prayer service, will God still hear my prayers-let alone answer them?   

The image of what happened to two of Aaron’s sons, Nadav and Avihu, is hard to get out of my mind. 

א  וַיִּקְחוּ בְנֵי-אַהֲרֹן נָדָב וַאֲבִיהוּא אִישׁ מַחְתָּתוֹ, וַיִּתְּנוּ בָהֵן אֵשׁ, וַיָּשִׂימוּ עָלֶיהָ, קְטֹרֶת; וַיַּקְרִיבוּ לִפְנֵי יְהוָה, אֵשׁ זָרָה--אֲשֶׁר לֹא צִוָּה, אֹתָם.	1 And Nadab and Abihu, the sons of Aaron, took each of them his censer, and put fire therein, and laid incense thereon, and offered strange fire before the LORD, which He had not commanded them.
ב  וַתֵּצֵא אֵשׁ מִלִּפְנֵי יְהוָה, וַתֹּאכַל אוֹתָם; וַיָּמֻתוּ, לִפְנֵי יְהוָה.	2 And there came forth fire from before the LORD, and devoured them, and they died before the LORD.

Or what if, like Nachshon, I prayed (only) according to my own needs, why would God listen to me?  My teacher Bonna Devora Haberman called my attention to that same question with regard to Moshe when he is pleading with God to let him actually go into Canaan in Deut. 3:23.  

כג  וָאֶתְחַנַּן, אֶל-יְהוָה, בָּעֵת הַהִוא, לֵאמֹר.	23 And I besought the LORD at that time, saying:
כד  אֲדֹנָי יְהוִה, אַתָּה הַחִלּוֹתָ לְהַרְאוֹת אֶת-עַבְדְּךָ, אֶת-גָּדְלְךָ, וְאֶת-יָדְךָ הַחֲזָקָה--אֲשֶׁר מִי-אֵל בַּשָּׁמַיִם וּבָאָרֶץ, אֲשֶׁר-יַעֲשֶׂה כְמַעֲשֶׂיךָ וְכִגְבוּרֹתֶךָ.	24 'O Lord GOD, you have begun to show your servant your greatness, and your strong hand; for what god is there in heaven or on earth, that can do according to your works, and according to your mighty acts?
כה  אֶעְבְּרָה-נָּא, וְאֶרְאֶה אֶת-הָאָרֶץ הַטּוֹבָה, אֲשֶׁר, בְּעֵבֶר הַיַּרְדֵּן:  הָהָר הַטּוֹב הַזֶּה, וְהַלְּבָנֹן.	25 Let me go over, I pray to you, and see the good land that is beyond the Jordan, that goodly hill-country, and Lebanon.'

In Bonna’s (reassuring) words, prayer is relational.  “If we feel the need to pray, there is an implicit other [who will listen]-in Buber’s words, a ‘Thou’”.  If we are intentional with our prayer, if we direct it (to God) the Divine heart will be inclined toward us.  Words that come from the heart, enter the heart-( indirectly derived from Berachot 6b)

Our prayer reflects the way we see ourselves at a particular moment in our lives-what we need; what we are grateful for; what we are angry about or what we fear.  The insights about ourselves that we gain in the process of prayer, reflect the ongoing process of our living.   So, our prayer, is simultaneously directed at God (God who will incline God’s listening heart) and also gives us insight into our own hearts.

Nachshon wanted the tooth fairy to incline her heart toward him.  He decided to write her a letter explaining the situation (complete with illustration which I will not reproduce here.)  “Dear Tooth Fairy, I think my tooth fell into my belly”.  Sure enough, it worked! The Tooth Fairy came!  She wrote a note of her own to Nachshon (in tiny writing, because tooth fairies are tiny),  grabbed something to drink, went to the bathroom before her long flight back, and sprinkled fairy dust in various places. (She sort of made a mess).  She also left Nachshon a toothbrush, some floss, and a $2 bill.  

One of my theories about prayer is that small children come by it naturally-until we, the adults in their lives, knock that natural tendency out of them!  Maybe Nachshon’s tooth fairy story is evidence of some truth in that theory.

I’ll be reflecting more on the nature of prayer.  Stay tuned.

When a blessing doesn't feel like a blessing

 34א  וַיַּעַל מֹשֶׁה מֵעַרְבֹת מוֹאָב, אֶל-הַר נְבוֹ, רֹאשׁ הַפִּסְגָּה, אֲשֶׁר עַל-פְּנֵי יְרֵחוֹ; וַיַּרְאֵהוּ יְהוָה אֶת-כָּל-הָאָרֶץ אֶת-הַגִּלְעָד, עַד-דָּן.

 34ד  וַיֹּאמֶר יְהוָה אֵלָיו, זֹאת הָאָרֶץ אֲשֶׁר נִשְׁבַּעְתִּי לְאַבְרָהָם לְיִצְחָק וּלְיַעֲקֹב לֵאמֹר, לְזַרְעֲךָ, אֶתְּנֶנָּה; הֶרְאִיתִיךָ בְעֵינֶיךָ, וְשָׁמָּה לֹא תַעֲבֹר.

4 And the LORD said to him [Moshe]: 'This is the land which I swore to Abraham, to Isaac, and to Jacob, saying: I will give it to your seed;  I have caused you to see it with your own eyes, but you shall not cross over [to the land]

Simchat Torah, 5775 Nava Tehillah, Jerusalem

We stood in a large circle.  The Torah was completely unrolled and each of us, using a tallit or some other material as a buffer between our fingers and the parchment, held the Torah from the top.  Without looking and without touching the Torah, we each reached over the top of the part we were holding and pointed to a pasuk.   One of the several Torah scholars present came, read the pasuk each one of us had pointed to, translated it and gave us a blessing for the year based on the pasuk.

My heart sank when “my” scholar, Julie, read the pasuk to which I had (by chance?!) pointed. It was Dueteronomy 34:4, written and translated above.  I could tell that she really wanted to find a blessing in those words.  There was a slight strain in her face as she processed the words. Perhaps I was projecting but it seemed to me that she was hoping to turn them into a blessing for me.   And all the while I’m thinking: These lines about the end of Moses’ life, about our (indirect) reminder of his lack of patience, when he hit the rock in order to get water out of it rather than spoke to it as God had commanded.   Moshe would lead the people to the land that God had promised their ancestors…but he would not enter it.  He saw it.  He knew God would fulfill God’s promise to the people.  But even after 40 years of leading them, of putting up with their complaints, of finding solutions to their problems, of the ramifications of the Golden Calf, Moshe would see the promised land, but he would not cross over into it.  Was this to be my blessing?  My promised land is the rabbinate.   In many significant ways, having lived my life for 60 years was the beginning of my preparation for this goal.  I’ve learned through five years of rabbinical school and survived cancer in the process.  I struggled with my “not so young” and now compromised by chemotherapy, brain.  Despite that Moses knew long before he was at the precipice of entering  Canaan, that he would not enter, he must have felt profoundly sad and disappointed.  Could Julie find a blessing for me in Moshe’s having spent his entire life leading the people to the precipice of Canaan, which he would only see it?  She tried.  She blessed me with the ability to see, to look at and be aware of everything that was around me, like Moshe was.  Her blessing included that I should be humble like Moses, that I should have perseverance and the ability to look north and south, east and west to see and to appreciate the beauty of all of God’s creation.  But I did not feel I had received a blessing.  That I would have any connection to Moshe’s “coming up short” felt more like a curse.  Taking my blessing of seeing, I was determined to find my as yet uncovered blessing, in Deuteronomy 34:4; that I would be like Moses, humble, compassionate and caring.   Maybe, like Moshe, I would be blessed with a long life, one in which neither my vision (both literal and otherwise) nor my physical strength, would diminish.   Maybe, though falling short of my promised land, I would know God, perhaps not face to face, but as more than an acquaintance.  Maybe I would be aware of God as more of a constant presence in my life-and that would suffice.  Even thinking those thoughts however, left me feeling anxious.  Why couldn’t I both reach my “promised land” and as part of that journey, have evolved in my partnership with God?

When I shared my experience with my beloved husband, it did not surprise me that he had a different and much more hopeful, understanding of the blessing intended for me from this pasuk.  In addition to having led the people to the land of Canaan, Moshe was a teacher of B’nai Yisrael.  He was a transmitter of Torah from God to the generation that entered the promised-land.  With patience, constant reminders, occasional reprimands and repetition, Moshe taught Torah to the people-God’s people.  The blessing in Deuteronomy 34:4, my connection to it, is not, as I had imagined, in a literal interpretation of the situation in which Moshe found himself, but in the way he had led his life, in his love of God and Torah, in his compassion and his teaching and in the trust and respect and love that B’nai Yisrael had for him-and do to this day. וְלֹא-קָם נָבִיא עוֹד בְּיִשְׂרָאֵל, כְּמֹשֶׁה, אֲשֶׁר יְדָעוֹ יְהוָה, פָּנִים אֶל-פָּנִים; There has never arisen another prophet in Israel, like Moshe-that he knew God, face to face.   Deut. 34:10

Moshe received Torah from God but he did not keep it only for himself.  He spent his life giving it, teaching and sharing it with B’nai Yisrael. For every teaching of Torah that came from God to Moshe, at least one flowed out.  Moshe received and he gave in equal measure.  The Torah lives because it is shared, taught to each subsequent generation.  My teacher Rabbi Or Rose teaches about parsha ve-zot ha-Berakhah: “We are told that we are all Moses’s disciples; he is the da’at, the mind or awareness of Israel, and that passes on to us through the chain of tradition.  But we also know that da’at has to be renewed in each generation.”[1]

So, here is take 2 of my blessing based on Deuteronomy 34:4:
May I be blessed to receive Torah from many different people and equally as blessed to be able to share it, to give it and teach it.  May I “be faithful to my teachers”[2] and at the same time understand my students, whether formal or simply as I walk through life, so that I can speak Torah in a way that each one can understand and embrace.  May I help those with whom I engage, see within themselves that spark of God that I see in each one of them.  And may I feel gratitude for the many gifts I have been blessed with during the years of my life.  May I embrace with wisdom and compassion the role that God has intended for me; a blessing in itself since I feel keenly aware of what my purpose is on earth. May I create students of Torah knowingly and unknowingly.  And my I become the best partner with the creator of all life that I can be.

---

[1] Speaking Torah, spiritual teachings from around the Maggid’s table, Volume 2, Arthur Green, with Ebn Leader, Ariel Evan Mayse and Or N. Rose, p. 154

[2] Ibid, Ariel Evan Mayse, p. 154

Many Faces of Israel

On Sunday, August 24, 2014

This past Shabbat I didn't want to stay home alone all day.  I decided to take myself on a tiyuul and wanted to go for a walk on the Jerusalem talyelet.  The tayelet is a 30 minute walk from where I live.  I went to the Inbal hotel to get directions-which turned out to be nothing close to accurate.  Nobody on the roads to ask, so I decided to walk, find a park, sit in the shade and muse about my journey, to date.

I headed toward the Kotel; found the paths via the artist colony; quickly found a great view.  I heard water flowing and children playing.  I followed it and came to two small stone pools with fountains in the middle of them and steps going from one pool to the other.  There were kids playing; a father sitting on a bench.  I put my feet in the water, the kids splashed, the dad said don't; I said its fine.  A few minutes later I decided I really wanted to talk with this Ethiopian Jewish family-which I did.  Fascinating conversation (in Hebrew) boys: 4, 5 girls 7 and 14.  Father came when he was 10; treked across the desert in Sudan; robbers, bandits, men with long knives and so forth.  Before they left the mother said she would invite me to their house.  The 14 year old girl took my phone number.  Could be a fascinating, family connection.

Then I went up the hill again looking for a shady place to sit.  Saw a group of young people, clearly on a tour; their security guard was sitting separately.  I asked if I could sit and talk to him.  He is an Indian Jew.  The group was a Birthright group from Hungary.  He had been with the group for 8 days; 3 more to go.  He was disappointed to find them without traditional Jewish values; they weren't really interested in anything including the kotel.  He wanted to know what I was doing here. Again fascinating.

I went further up the hill, again to try to find a quiet shady place.  Found a bench under a tree.  There was an 18 year oldish Chasidic young man sitting on one end.   I asked if I could sit on the other end of the bench.  He looked me right in the eye and said "of course"-again all in Hebrew. Ma Nishma? I'm fine; he's fine.  It was a very strange experience.  He kept moving closer to me; looked right at me; no modesty; no hesitation.  Suddenly he said he wanted to kiss me and lunged forward.  I put my straight arm out and said no.  He asked why.  I said it's wrong; not appropriate and it makes me uncomfortable.  He pointed to my cheek and said "right there."  Then he took my shoulders, firmly, kissed my cheek and I pushed him away.  This is crazy I thought.  At the same time, I was quite sure he was gay and quite obviously was living a very tortured life; but hey...that is not permission for how he acted.  I asked him why he did that.  He said he loved me.  I said No you don't; you don't even know me.  He said my soul felt attached to your soul.  Poor guy; I'm sure he's not the only one suffering in whatever way he was suffering.  Another of the many faces of Israel.

Once again, I got up to find a shady place to sit.  I thought:  all this has happened in just 2 hours!  So much life, of so many varieties...I finally found a bench in the shade with nobody on it.  I sat down, took a deep breath and began to relax.  I looked up and saw a 35ish man walking toward me.  He sat down.  (OY!) How am I?  Fine how are you?  I have a problem. (Oy, again) What is his problem? He moved closer; I moved further; he said "I'm married" I said "I don't remember asking about that"  again-all in Hebrew.  He has 2 children; one 3 and the other 1.5.  The little one is sick; he can't breathe; he wears a mask at night and he has to give him a shot 2X a day and it is very expensive.  Ahhh! I thought-he wants $.  I told him I was sorry about his son.  I asked him if he believed in God.  I suggested that praying, maintaining his faith, and working at his job...who knows maybe something good will happen for him.  NOW, fortunately I'm pretty good at figuring out what time it is by looking at the position of the sun in the sky.  I figured it was about 4:45.  I asked him what time it was and told him I had to be at a meeting at 4:45.  He said it's 4:45 and I told him I would pray for him and I left!

I walked home, slowly, on main roads thinking what an incredible 2.5 hours I'd had.  I don't know what it all means.  I hope I've made a connection with an Ethiopian family.  I had a good conversation with a 20 something Jewish Indian security guard with a big heart and strong Jewish values.  I experienced first hand how complicated and painful life can be for a soul that just doesn't fit into the system into which he was born.  Who knows whether the last man really had a sick child or not.

I love that I'm open and curious and want to learn about people.  I learned that there are an infinite variety of ways that people respond to each other.  Being open and wanting to make meaningful connections requires at the same time, caution and awareness and keeping myself safe.  In many ways I had experienced a small sample of the large variety of differences that exist between the many different people who have come here from so many different places, with so many different backgrounds.

I'm tired. Going to sleep.

I love you all and miss you a lot.

Ima/Mom/Ma'ayan